Therapy Post: The Anniversay Weekend

I told myself that I was going to start blogging more positively starting today, but I have to get this one thing out. Then, POSITIVITY!!! My therapist says I should blog more to help draw out all of those unpleasant feelings and really think about them. The last really unpleasant feeling I had was last weekend on my anniversary with my boyfriend. I fail.

With us, everything seems to go back to the fact that I have a hard time explaining my reluctance with being super affectionate. Honestly, it's not something that I can ever remember doing with anyone or anything. Maybe I've come close with my dogs, but even they know that I prefer to sit in silence a lot of time and do nothing. It's just how I am.

That being said, I do love my boyfriend. It's not like we don't ever touch each other or anything. I'm just not cool with being felt up at 4 in the morning when I'm dead asleep. I don't understand how people can have sex that early in the morning after you've already gone to bed. Not to mention how completely unattractive I look and feel with I'm in sleepytime mode. I look like someone's crazy grandmother most of the time, and morning breath ain't cute. I'm just not up for it.


I end up doing a lot of pushing away and smacking at night as a result since someone can't take a hint. But instead of just rolling over like he usually does, this time he got really upset, as if I had told him that I wanted our relationship to be devoid of any sort of physical contact. This was absolutely foreign to me. He never shows or tells me when he's upset. Ever. I felt like I had kicked a puppy, and all I wanted to do is go to sleep. So I did.

As you can imagine, that ended well. We spent the first 18 hours of our anniversary not looking or talking to each, besides for really pathetic small talk so that we didn't look like freaks in public. It was awful. I spent hours wanting to cry.

In the end, everything was solved with a kiss. Incredibly lame and cheesy, but all is well. For now at least.

Boo to This Bull

I'm stuck in a terrible rut, and nothing seems to be going quite the way I planned. I haven't met any of my goals that I set for myself at the beginning of August, and I feel like a proper failure. How exactly do you move forward when there's so much stuff holding you back? I feel like a lot of my issues at this point would be solved by having some form of steady income. Anyone one want to buy some treats?

LDR - Keeping Myself Busy So That the Longing Isn't So Hard to Bear

I'm currently in a long distance relationship (LDR from here on), though in truth we aren't so far away. He lives exactly 80 miles from me, and we manage to see each other every weekend. However, it does makes the weekdays terribly bland and hard to get through considering that another visit is coming up within five days (though it's actually two from today), and I seem to more needy and attached than I ever thought I would be.

Thus I try to find a project every week to make things easier for myself. I'm always baking, but this weeks project revolves around an iPad. Specifically his iPad that he never uses and could care less about. My muffin is not an Apple man, and he loathes Steve Jobs like it's his life's goal. He has to keep up appearances since his company was kind enough to give it to him for free, but since the COO didn't show up this week as planned, I was graciously give a week to play with it. I've currently installed nearly 30 apps on this thing, synced up all my email address, and put all of our photos together on it. It's pretty much mine now, though I have to give it up on Sunday.

I'm happy to have found something to take up all the spare time that school and volunteering leaves me, but I have no idea what I'll do for next week. Time to brainstorm. 

Operation TryNotToFail

I'm admittedly terribly pessimistic about most life, but I'm not to the point where I can't see the good in anything. After being knocked down and rejected so many times in the past 3 months, I'm just tired. Maybe it's me. Maybe. In any case, I've got to put my all towards changing things.


So today is day one of my experiment. I'm trying to see if changing my attitudes about spending, confrontation, and optimism will lead to some good. I'm gonna go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'm going to make the effort to read at least an hour a day. I'm changing what and way I approach food. I'm going to call my parents more, and keep in contact with my siblings and far away friends. I'm going to put on a happy face (this will definitely be the hardest to do). I'm going to do it, and I'm going to use this blog to track it.

I AM EXCITE!

(not a typo, btw)

So I may have just gotten my first order on my brand spanking new Etsy shop. I think. It was at least an inquiry, which is more than I've gotten in weeks. I hope this turns out to be the first of many new visitors to my shop. I need the money, and I need the experience so that I can get better.

I've got to start on Sunshine Bear's birthday cake. At first he asked for something nearly impossible for me to make without weeks of planning. I'm glad he settled on the Katamari cake. I think I can do that within the time constraints given. We'll just have to see.

Rings and Things

I think that things are far more serious with our relationship than I had originally assumed. It's one thing to talk about what you want for the future. I was just prompted to write out a detailed list of what I want for us in the next five years. Detailed as in what engagement ring I would want, the cut, clarity, color, and carat of the diamond (if I want a diamond), my ring size, what metal I want the band to be, simple or gaudy, traditional or modern. While I usually love this sort of detailed planning (OCD and paranoia make for wonderful lists, calendars, etc.), this is freaking me out. I'm not ready to be engaged. Hell, I'm not ready to graduate!

It's one thing to say that we'll be together forever, but it's completely different ballgame when there are steps towards that goal. I'm not commitment phobic. I want a house, and kids, dogs of varying sizes and breeds, and a marriage that lasts until one of us bites it. I'm just not sure of how fast I want all of this to happen. I want a career. I want to be able to take care of myself if and when I need to. I want to be an employee of the Department of the Interior and have one of those really flashy business cards with the NPS arrowhead on it. That's gonna take some time, more than expected really. I'm just hoping that if I get a ring within the next year, it'll be a very long engagement.

Posting Fail Is My Game

I'm terrible at updating my blogs. Absolutely terrible. I've decided to remedy this by posting something once a week. I, Timeeka, promise to update this blog at least once a week. I think I can manage that. I hope I can.

Boo Unemployment

Not having a job really sucks. I've been lucky to have an internship this summer, but every penny that I've earned has to go towards rent for the next six months. I need some sort of employment to take care of the rest of what I'll need for that time period, and it's not looking good. I've had 20 interviews this summer, and nothing has come from any of them. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but it's really starting to wear on me. I can't imagine how people with family in the same situation that I'm in deal with it. Hopefully today's interview leads to something good. If not, I just have to keep looking.

La Grande Malaise

I've had problems with depression for the last five years, and it bothers me how fashionable it seems to be sometimes. While teenage angst seems to be something that everyone has had to deal with, the sort of depression that I find myself dealing with everyday is almost soul crushing. While I haven't had a day where I couldn't get out of bed in a while, I feel like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle with mind.Lately I've found nearly impossible to leave the house by myself.

Coming to terms with the fact that I seem to have more problems that I'd care to admit is difficult. I've got a new therapist, and Wednesday is our first meeting. Thankfully I'm in Augusta because I'm not sure if I'd go if I were in Athens. Hopefully this will be turning point.

Catching Up

It seems the highlight of the last few months has been my relationship with Josef. All is surprisingly well considering my failing with emotional availability, and I can only hope that things get even better. If you would have told me a year ago we'd be happily together, I would have laughed to near tears, but my Button and I seem to be perfect for each other. It's funny how life works.

I don't intend this blog to turn into some horribly sappy documentation of our relationship, btw. I just needed to diverge down the road of romantic mush for a bit :)

I made a lasagna today with a tomato sauce from scratch. I'm getting my culinary skills in order before I go out into the real world, and I'm doing surprisingly well. Baking is my real obsession right now, and I'm planning a Mad Hatter tea party. I can't wait to make all of the little treats. My kids won't ever have to worry when it comes to birthday parties lol.

So for now, things are all good.

I Need a Resolution

I've decided that instead of kidding myself and writing a list of resolutions that I have no intention to keep, I'm stick with the easiest one I can think of as of now. I RESOLVE TO ABSTAIN FROM FAILURE! That's it; I'm not gonna fail at learning, loving, or living. I'm gonna do my best to "do me", and that's all. I think I may be able to achieve this, so here goes!