I told myself that I was going to start blogging more positively starting today, but I have to get this one thing out. Then, POSITIVITY!!! My therapist says I should blog more to help draw out all of those unpleasant feelings and really think about them. The last really unpleasant feeling I had was last weekend on my anniversary with my boyfriend. I fail.
With us, everything seems to go back to the fact that I have a hard time explaining my reluctance with being super affectionate. Honestly, it's not something that I can ever remember doing with anyone or anything. Maybe I've come close with my dogs, but even they know that I prefer to sit in silence a lot of time and do nothing. It's just how I am.
That being said, I do love my boyfriend. It's not like we don't ever touch each other or anything. I'm just not cool with being felt up at 4 in the morning when I'm dead asleep. I don't understand how people can have sex that early in the morning after you've already gone to bed. Not to mention how completely unattractive I look and feel with I'm in sleepytime mode. I look like someone's crazy grandmother most of the time, and morning breath ain't cute. I'm just not up for it.
I end up doing a lot of pushing away and smacking at night as a result since someone can't take a hint. But instead of just rolling over like he usually does, this time he got really upset, as if I had told him that I wanted our relationship to be devoid of any sort of physical contact. This was absolutely foreign to me. He never shows or tells me when he's upset. Ever. I felt like I had kicked a puppy, and all I wanted to do is go to sleep. So I did.
As you can imagine, that ended well. We spent the first 18 hours of our anniversary not looking or talking to each, besides for really pathetic small talk so that we didn't look like freaks in public. It was awful. I spent hours wanting to cry.
In the end, everything was solved with a kiss. Incredibly lame and cheesy, but all is well. For now at least.
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