I finally caved, and I'm letting my hair grow out of the relaxer. I needed a change, and it feels like a good one. So much is happening right now, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can handle it. I can take all of this pain and misfortune and use it fuel my inner fire. I'm tired of sitting around and moping, and now I have the energy to keep my head above water. The next month is going to be tough, but I'll be damned if I let life kick me in the throat without a fight.
It's on, and I'm not planning on losing. I'm about to make my life my bitch.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Grand Experiment
You know I keep saying that I should blog more or that I will blog more?
Obviously I've failed at that. I'm not going to say it anymore because it makes me sounds like a huge liar. I'm not; I just have a problem remembering my login info. I also have a problem with finishing entries. I am a lame blogger and very casual one at that. I've gotten into the terrible habit of sharing to much on Twitter. I hope that by convincing myself to vomit on here, I will save myself some embarrassment. Probably not, but trying can't hurt.
I'm starting a new experimental bipolar drug soon. I have to wait two weeks for my old stuff to clear out of my system, and I can feel that I'm in a pretty manic state. I don't sleep too much; I've even failed at napping properly. I'm always up and doing something, like the batch of Yoda cookies that I made at ass crack of dawn this morning. Hopefully I don't bottom out before I start the experiment, and I've made sure to try to enlist others to help me keep track of my mood and behavior.
I like manic me. Most people that have bipolar II don't mind the manic state because it's a hell of a lot better than the depressive one. I'd rather feel like I'm coked up 24/7, 365 than spend a day in the lowest depths of my depression.
Today* has been pretty interesting. I witnessed an epic battle of man vs. squirrel this morning. Squirrel won, but man put a pretty good fight. I also joined a meditation class. It starts tomorrow, though their flyer says otherwise. I've joined a book club on Goodreads through Oh No They Didn't, and I've started A Game of Thrones, something I've wanted to read for a while. I had lunch with a hobo and had a really good talk with him. I'm feeling great, different even. I'll have to see where things go from here.
*I logged in this morning and realized that I never published this, so here it is.
Obviously I've failed at that. I'm not going to say it anymore because it makes me sounds like a huge liar. I'm not; I just have a problem remembering my login info. I also have a problem with finishing entries. I am a lame blogger and very casual one at that. I've gotten into the terrible habit of sharing to much on Twitter. I hope that by convincing myself to vomit on here, I will save myself some embarrassment. Probably not, but trying can't hurt.
I'm starting a new experimental bipolar drug soon. I have to wait two weeks for my old stuff to clear out of my system, and I can feel that I'm in a pretty manic state. I don't sleep too much; I've even failed at napping properly. I'm always up and doing something, like the batch of Yoda cookies that I made at ass crack of dawn this morning. Hopefully I don't bottom out before I start the experiment, and I've made sure to try to enlist others to help me keep track of my mood and behavior.
I like manic me. Most people that have bipolar II don't mind the manic state because it's a hell of a lot better than the depressive one. I'd rather feel like I'm coked up 24/7, 365 than spend a day in the lowest depths of my depression.
Today* has been pretty interesting. I witnessed an epic battle of man vs. squirrel this morning. Squirrel won, but man put a pretty good fight. I also joined a meditation class. It starts tomorrow, though their flyer says otherwise. I've joined a book club on Goodreads through Oh No They Didn't, and I've started A Game of Thrones, something I've wanted to read for a while. I had lunch with a hobo and had a really good talk with him. I'm feeling great, different even. I'll have to see where things go from here.
*I logged in this morning and realized that I never published this, so here it is.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Doing me
Everyone has a resolution or twelve for the new year. However, I have a mantra.
Do you, Timeeka. Do you!
I realize that's sort of a cop-out and really, really lame, but I'd like to actually achieve something realistic this year. Being myself is something that I can do without any problems. So that's all I'm doing this year. Me. And some more blogging, cooking, baking, bettering myself, etc. This year is gonna be a real success :)
Do you, Timeeka. Do you!
I realize that's sort of a cop-out and really, really lame, but I'd like to actually achieve something realistic this year. Being myself is something that I can do without any problems. So that's all I'm doing this year. Me. And some more blogging, cooking, baking, bettering myself, etc. This year is gonna be a real success :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Therapy Post: The Anniversay Weekend
I told myself that I was going to start blogging more positively starting today, but I have to get this one thing out. Then, POSITIVITY!!! My therapist says I should blog more to help draw out all of those unpleasant feelings and really think about them. The last really unpleasant feeling I had was last weekend on my anniversary with my boyfriend. I fail.
With us, everything seems to go back to the fact that I have a hard time explaining my reluctance with being super affectionate. Honestly, it's not something that I can ever remember doing with anyone or anything. Maybe I've come close with my dogs, but even they know that I prefer to sit in silence a lot of time and do nothing. It's just how I am.
That being said, I do love my boyfriend. It's not like we don't ever touch each other or anything. I'm just not cool with being felt up at 4 in the morning when I'm dead asleep. I don't understand how people can have sex that early in the morning after you've already gone to bed. Not to mention how completely unattractive I look and feel with I'm in sleepytime mode. I look like someone's crazy grandmother most of the time, and morning breath ain't cute. I'm just not up for it.
I end up doing a lot of pushing away and smacking at night as a result since someone can't take a hint. But instead of just rolling over like he usually does, this time he got really upset, as if I had told him that I wanted our relationship to be devoid of any sort of physical contact. This was absolutely foreign to me. He never shows or tells me when he's upset. Ever. I felt like I had kicked a puppy, and all I wanted to do is go to sleep. So I did.
As you can imagine, that ended well. We spent the first 18 hours of our anniversary not looking or talking to each, besides for really pathetic small talk so that we didn't look like freaks in public. It was awful. I spent hours wanting to cry.
In the end, everything was solved with a kiss. Incredibly lame and cheesy, but all is well. For now at least.
With us, everything seems to go back to the fact that I have a hard time explaining my reluctance with being super affectionate. Honestly, it's not something that I can ever remember doing with anyone or anything. Maybe I've come close with my dogs, but even they know that I prefer to sit in silence a lot of time and do nothing. It's just how I am.
That being said, I do love my boyfriend. It's not like we don't ever touch each other or anything. I'm just not cool with being felt up at 4 in the morning when I'm dead asleep. I don't understand how people can have sex that early in the morning after you've already gone to bed. Not to mention how completely unattractive I look and feel with I'm in sleepytime mode. I look like someone's crazy grandmother most of the time, and morning breath ain't cute. I'm just not up for it.
I end up doing a lot of pushing away and smacking at night as a result since someone can't take a hint. But instead of just rolling over like he usually does, this time he got really upset, as if I had told him that I wanted our relationship to be devoid of any sort of physical contact. This was absolutely foreign to me. He never shows or tells me when he's upset. Ever. I felt like I had kicked a puppy, and all I wanted to do is go to sleep. So I did.
As you can imagine, that ended well. We spent the first 18 hours of our anniversary not looking or talking to each, besides for really pathetic small talk so that we didn't look like freaks in public. It was awful. I spent hours wanting to cry.
In the end, everything was solved with a kiss. Incredibly lame and cheesy, but all is well. For now at least.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Boo to This Bull
I'm stuck in a terrible rut, and nothing seems to be going quite the way I planned. I haven't met any of my goals that I set for myself at the beginning of August, and I feel like a proper failure. How exactly do you move forward when there's so much stuff holding you back? I feel like a lot of my issues at this point would be solved by having some form of steady income. Anyone one want to buy some treats?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
LDR - Keeping Myself Busy So That the Longing Isn't So Hard to Bear
I'm currently in a long distance relationship (LDR from here on), though in truth we aren't so far away. He lives exactly 80 miles from me, and we manage to see each other every weekend. However, it does makes the weekdays terribly bland and hard to get through considering that another visit is coming up within five days (though it's actually two from today), and I seem to more needy and attached than I ever thought I would be.
Thus I try to find a project every week to make things easier for myself. I'm always baking, but this weeks project revolves around an iPad. Specifically his iPad that he never uses and could care less about. My muffin is not an Apple man, and he loathes Steve Jobs like it's his life's goal. He has to keep up appearances since his company was kind enough to give it to him for free, but since the COO didn't show up this week as planned, I was graciously give a week to play with it. I've currently installed nearly 30 apps on this thing, synced up all my email address, and put all of our photos together on it. It's pretty much mine now, though I have to give it up on Sunday.
I'm happy to have found something to take up all the spare time that school and volunteering leaves me, but I have no idea what I'll do for next week. Time to brainstorm.
Thus I try to find a project every week to make things easier for myself. I'm always baking, but this weeks project revolves around an iPad. Specifically his iPad that he never uses and could care less about. My muffin is not an Apple man, and he loathes Steve Jobs like it's his life's goal. He has to keep up appearances since his company was kind enough to give it to him for free, but since the COO didn't show up this week as planned, I was graciously give a week to play with it. I've currently installed nearly 30 apps on this thing, synced up all my email address, and put all of our photos together on it. It's pretty much mine now, though I have to give it up on Sunday.
I'm happy to have found something to take up all the spare time that school and volunteering leaves me, but I have no idea what I'll do for next week. Time to brainstorm.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Operation TryNotToFail
I'm admittedly terribly pessimistic about most life, but I'm not to the point where I can't see the good in anything. After being knocked down and rejected so many times in the past 3 months, I'm just tired. Maybe it's me. Maybe. In any case, I've got to put my all towards changing things.
So today is day one of my experiment. I'm trying to see if changing my attitudes about spending, confrontation, and optimism will lead to some good. I'm gonna go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'm going to make the effort to read at least an hour a day. I'm changing what and way I approach food. I'm going to call my parents more, and keep in contact with my siblings and far away friends. I'm going to put on a happy face (this will definitely be the hardest to do). I'm going to do it, and I'm going to use this blog to track it.
So today is day one of my experiment. I'm trying to see if changing my attitudes about spending, confrontation, and optimism will lead to some good. I'm gonna go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'm going to make the effort to read at least an hour a day. I'm changing what and way I approach food. I'm going to call my parents more, and keep in contact with my siblings and far away friends. I'm going to put on a happy face (this will definitely be the hardest to do). I'm going to do it, and I'm going to use this blog to track it.
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