Close to Home

There's something disquieting about watching war movies and dramas. It's real, but then again, it isn't. Documentaries are another story entirely. It's wonderful because there's truth to it. On the other hand, it makes the experience even more emotionally turbulent. I'm currently sitting on the couch, sobbing into my UGA blanket. "Vietnam in HD" is amazing, and I'm glad to have some history back on The History Channel.

Excuse me, History.To be fair, this miniseries is more of a personal account of the war with little title cards of important events sprinkled in. That's okay with me. I'm a huge 'Band of Brothers" and "The Pacific" fan, and I love being able to connect faces with specific stories. It's also absolutely heartbreaking. Hearing men that could be my grandpa choke up always makes me feel terrible sick to my stomach. I hate seeing older men cry, and there are moments when I just want to jump into the TV and give the vets featured a big hug and a box of tissues.

It brings up some unfortunate memories of my grandpa as well. I feel like I'm watching it partly to feel closer to him. We've never had a close relationship, and it's steadily gotten worse over the past couple of years. I wish I could understand him, but he's a bit impossible at times. I guess I'll have to settle for this tiny window into his world.

It All Ends Here

I seems like I've been having to say goodbye to lots of things lately. Friends, boyfriends, family. Now, Harry Potter is going to end, and I'm a bit sad about it. There is Pottermore to look forward to, but it won't be the same as the midnight releases of the books and going to the midnight premieres. I've been reading the books for long that I'm not exactly sure of when I started them. It'll be like saying goodbye to good friends, and I hope that I make it without falling out. I've made cauldron cakes, pasties, and Hedwig shaped cookies. I hope I'm ready

Time for an 80's Training Montage

I finally caved, and I'm letting my hair grow out of the relaxer. I needed a change, and it feels like a good one. So much is happening right now, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can handle it. I can take all of this pain and misfortune and use it fuel my inner fire. I'm tired of sitting around and moping, and now I have the energy to keep my head above water. The next month is going to be tough, but I'll be damned if I let life kick me in the throat without a fight.

It's on, and I'm not planning on losing. I'm about to make my life my bitch.

The Grand Experiment

You know I keep saying that I should blog more or that I will blog more?

Obviously I've failed at that. I'm not going to say it anymore because it makes me sounds like a huge liar. I'm not; I just have a problem remembering my login info. I also have a problem with finishing entries. I am a lame blogger and very casual one at that. I've gotten into the terrible habit of sharing to much on Twitter. I hope that by convincing myself to vomit on here, I will save myself some embarrassment. Probably not, but trying can't hurt.

I'm starting a new experimental bipolar drug soon. I have to wait two weeks for my old stuff to clear out of my system, and I can feel that I'm in a pretty manic state. I don't sleep too much; I've even failed at napping properly. I'm always up and doing something, like the batch of Yoda cookies that I made at ass crack of dawn this morning. Hopefully I don't bottom out before I start the experiment, and I've made sure to try to enlist others to help me keep track of my mood and behavior.

I like manic me. Most people that have bipolar II don't mind the manic state because it's a hell of a lot better than the depressive one. I'd rather feel like I'm coked up 24/7, 365 than spend a day in the lowest depths of my depression.

Today* has been pretty interesting. I witnessed an epic battle of man vs. squirrel this morning. Squirrel won, but man put a pretty good fight. I also joined a meditation class. It starts tomorrow, though their flyer says otherwise. I've joined a book club on Goodreads through Oh No They Didn't, and I've started A Game of Thrones, something I've wanted to read for a while. I had lunch with a hobo and had a really good talk with him. I'm feeling great, different even. I'll have to see where things go from here.

*I logged in this morning and realized that I never published this, so here it is.

Doing me

Everyone has a resolution or twelve for the new year. However, I have a mantra.

Do you, Timeeka. Do you!

I realize that's sort of a cop-out and really, really lame, but I'd like to actually achieve something realistic this year. Being myself is something that I can do without any problems. So that's all I'm doing this year. Me. And some more blogging, cooking, baking, bettering myself, etc. This year is gonna be a real success :)

LDR - Keeping Myself Busy So That the Longing Isn't So Hard to Bear

I'm currently in a long distance relationship (LDR from here on), though in truth we aren't so far away. He lives exactly 80 miles from me, and we manage to see each other every weekend. However, it does makes the weekdays terribly bland and hard to get through considering that another visit is coming up within five days (though it's actually two from today), and I seem to more needy and attached than I ever thought I would be.

Thus I try to find a project every week to make things easier for myself. I'm always baking, but this weeks project revolves around an iPad. Specifically his iPad that he never uses and could care less about. My muffin is not an Apple man, and he loathes Steve Jobs like it's his life's goal. He has to keep up appearances since his company was kind enough to give it to him for free, but since the COO didn't show up this week as planned, I was graciously give a week to play with it. I've currently installed nearly 30 apps on this thing, synced up all my email address, and put all of our photos together on it. It's pretty much mine now, though I have to give it up on Sunday.

I'm happy to have found something to take up all the spare time that school and volunteering leaves me, but I have no idea what I'll do for next week. Time to brainstorm. 

Rings and Things

I think that things are far more serious with our relationship than I had originally assumed. It's one thing to talk about what you want for the future. I was just prompted to write out a detailed list of what I want for us in the next five years. Detailed as in what engagement ring I would want, the cut, clarity, color, and carat of the diamond (if I want a diamond), my ring size, what metal I want the band to be, simple or gaudy, traditional or modern. While I usually love this sort of detailed planning (OCD and paranoia make for wonderful lists, calendars, etc.), this is freaking me out. I'm not ready to be engaged. Hell, I'm not ready to graduate!

It's one thing to say that we'll be together forever, but it's completely different ballgame when there are steps towards that goal. I'm not commitment phobic. I want a house, and kids, dogs of varying sizes and breeds, and a marriage that lasts until one of us bites it. I'm just not sure of how fast I want all of this to happen. I want a career. I want to be able to take care of myself if and when I need to. I want to be an employee of the Department of the Interior and have one of those really flashy business cards with the NPS arrowhead on it. That's gonna take some time, more than expected really. I'm just hoping that if I get a ring within the next year, it'll be a very long engagement.

Catching Up

It seems the highlight of the last few months has been my relationship with Josef. All is surprisingly well considering my failing with emotional availability, and I can only hope that things get even better. If you would have told me a year ago we'd be happily together, I would have laughed to near tears, but my Button and I seem to be perfect for each other. It's funny how life works.

I don't intend this blog to turn into some horribly sappy documentation of our relationship, btw. I just needed to diverge down the road of romantic mush for a bit :)

I made a lasagna today with a tomato sauce from scratch. I'm getting my culinary skills in order before I go out into the real world, and I'm doing surprisingly well. Baking is my real obsession right now, and I'm planning a Mad Hatter tea party. I can't wait to make all of the little treats. My kids won't ever have to worry when it comes to birthday parties lol.

So for now, things are all good.

I Need a Resolution

I've decided that instead of kidding myself and writing a list of resolutions that I have no intention to keep, I'm stick with the easiest one I can think of as of now. I RESOLVE TO ABSTAIN FROM FAILURE! That's it; I'm not gonna fail at learning, loving, or living. I'm gonna do my best to "do me", and that's all. I think I may be able to achieve this, so here goes!

It's Been a While

I haven't done anything on this blog for two months, and I feel a little bad about it. For a while I was sure that no one read it or anything, but it shouldn't be about how many followers I have or whatever. It should be about me, but of course, I love to make my life way more miserable than it really has to be.

Life always is more difficult than it should be, but all I can do is try to live long enough to at least feel content. Thankfully Spring Break is finally here, and going to Hilton Head with my past and present roomies. I can only hope that the drama of the last two weeks is left in Athens, but knowing everyone and everything, I should be ready for disaster. I'm glad I'll finally get to a beach after two years of missing the ocean. If anything, I can always go visit Granddaddy in Jacksonville. Too bad my aunt is in Ohio, but I know that she's there for a good reason.

The highlight of next week will definitely be Momo-Con. I've been working on that retarded parapara for the longest, and I finally got my steampunk cosplay together. I guess I've gotta look on the bright side and enjoy things.

With a Little Help From My Friends

So I realize that I've been doing a fail job at posting. Rest assured, now I have more time to moan and complain via the interweb, so I'll definitely be posting more. Recent problems with my health (mental and physical) have sidelined a lot of things, including this blog and another blog I'm working on, but I'm back in business.






House premiered last night, and a bunch of my friends came over to watch it with us (my roommate and I). There was an attempt of sabotage from someone that I despise (I will refer to this person as Das Weibcheneselgesicht for the purpose of not getting sued), but as usual she failed to succeed. Everyone, except for Der Fliegende Holländer, joined us to watch the lovely Gregory House be himself, a lovable douchbag. I love Hugh Laurie, so if he's in, I'll watch it. I even saw that horrible new movie with Keneau Reeves because he had a supporting role in it. The show was as epically awesome as ever. The ending of the episode made me want to cry a bit, but I managed not to bust a tear.

It made me realize how decent of a person I must be, as compared to House. Actually, the isn't really all that hard, but I it really got me to thinking. I have a lot of friends that actually want to hang out with me or talk to me on a regular basis. Poor House, and some other people I know, don't have that. I don't know what I would do with my friends. After what happened last week (a mini mental breakdown), I really appreciate what all of my Athens crew are doing to help me get better. Thanks everyone.

The beginnings of an epic quest

A year ago today, I was sitting in the office of Dr. Peeples, the dorkiest/coolest pharmapsychologist certified by the state board of Georgia. While our usual discussion was going in the direction of "blah blah, worried about college, blah blah, my extended family is crazy", He asked my a question that I still can't answer affirmatively. "Are you happy with your life up to this point?" As I sat there with my confused faced (that oh so attractive grimace that makes me look like a chimp), I felt a panic attack coming. I had no idea if I was content, much less happy.

Reflecting on that life changing question, I can't say that I've ever been truly happy. I’ve gone through life laughing off or raging about the misfortunate parts of living as Timeeka Bruton. Dr. Peeples, being a Tibetan Buddhist sage trapped in the body of a 37 year old white man from South Carolina, said that happiness is a relative state of mind. Well I have never truly felt it. I wasn’t a happy baby, a happy child, or a happy teenager (but happy teenager sounds like a paradox). I’m afraid that my adult life is going to follow the same course.

My grandmother (granny for those who know her) once said that one is never truly happy and that we all live in a toss-up between contentment and discontentment. Looking her life, it seems as though she has lived in discontentment for the past 30 years. The only one of her birth children to succeed in life (stable job, married, “healthy” family, her OWN house) was my mother. The rest are perfect pictures of what you can do to completely your life and of those around you. Their failures pushed my mother and grandmother to try to do the best with my generation. And when my oldest cousin failed to make something of his life, all of that hope was transferred to me.

Being the model child of my entire family (nuclear and extended) is the reason why I am physically and mentally afflicted. The panic attacks, the cysts, and my immune system are responding to the pressure I’ve put on myself to succeed. I HAVE TO SUCCEED. I CANNOT end up like my grandmother, my mother, my father, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, and even my older brother. I have spent my entire life up to this point in a constant state of panic, and I know that I can’t live the rest of my life this way.

There was a point in January of this year that I decided that I would try to put myself into a coma. I didn’t want to die (it seemed too cliché to attempt suicide), and I didn’t want to physically harm myself (because I am a chicken). I thought if I spent maybe a week or two completely disconnected from the rest of the world, I would be able to calm down and figure out what is was that I was looking for in life. Instead, I ended up falling out of my loft after taking two really strong pain killers that my doctor prescribed for dealing with my cyst. After that really awesome month of back pain, I realized that the only way I would manage to even begin to figure things out would be to cut myself off from friends and family, which only led to more therapy.

So a year after being handed the question that will drive my life, I haven’t even cracked the surface. I am still hanging out in the darkness of my own psyche. But who knows? A year from now, I might have part one figured out.