Close to Home

There's something disquieting about watching war movies and dramas. It's real, but then again, it isn't. Documentaries are another story entirely. It's wonderful because there's truth to it. On the other hand, it makes the experience even more emotionally turbulent. I'm currently sitting on the couch, sobbing into my UGA blanket. "Vietnam in HD" is amazing, and I'm glad to have some history back on The History Channel.

Excuse me, History.To be fair, this miniseries is more of a personal account of the war with little title cards of important events sprinkled in. That's okay with me. I'm a huge 'Band of Brothers" and "The Pacific" fan, and I love being able to connect faces with specific stories. It's also absolutely heartbreaking. Hearing men that could be my grandpa choke up always makes me feel terrible sick to my stomach. I hate seeing older men cry, and there are moments when I just want to jump into the TV and give the vets featured a big hug and a box of tissues.

It brings up some unfortunate memories of my grandpa as well. I feel like I'm watching it partly to feel closer to him. We've never had a close relationship, and it's steadily gotten worse over the past couple of years. I wish I could understand him, but he's a bit impossible at times. I guess I'll have to settle for this tiny window into his world.

It All Ends Here

I seems like I've been having to say goodbye to lots of things lately. Friends, boyfriends, family. Now, Harry Potter is going to end, and I'm a bit sad about it. There is Pottermore to look forward to, but it won't be the same as the midnight releases of the books and going to the midnight premieres. I've been reading the books for long that I'm not exactly sure of when I started them. It'll be like saying goodbye to good friends, and I hope that I make it without falling out. I've made cauldron cakes, pasties, and Hedwig shaped cookies. I hope I'm ready

Time for an 80's Training Montage

I finally caved, and I'm letting my hair grow out of the relaxer. I needed a change, and it feels like a good one. So much is happening right now, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can handle it. I can take all of this pain and misfortune and use it fuel my inner fire. I'm tired of sitting around and moping, and now I have the energy to keep my head above water. The next month is going to be tough, but I'll be damned if I let life kick me in the throat without a fight.

It's on, and I'm not planning on losing. I'm about to make my life my bitch.

The Grand Experiment

You know I keep saying that I should blog more or that I will blog more?

Obviously I've failed at that. I'm not going to say it anymore because it makes me sounds like a huge liar. I'm not; I just have a problem remembering my login info. I also have a problem with finishing entries. I am a lame blogger and very casual one at that. I've gotten into the terrible habit of sharing to much on Twitter. I hope that by convincing myself to vomit on here, I will save myself some embarrassment. Probably not, but trying can't hurt.

I'm starting a new experimental bipolar drug soon. I have to wait two weeks for my old stuff to clear out of my system, and I can feel that I'm in a pretty manic state. I don't sleep too much; I've even failed at napping properly. I'm always up and doing something, like the batch of Yoda cookies that I made at ass crack of dawn this morning. Hopefully I don't bottom out before I start the experiment, and I've made sure to try to enlist others to help me keep track of my mood and behavior.

I like manic me. Most people that have bipolar II don't mind the manic state because it's a hell of a lot better than the depressive one. I'd rather feel like I'm coked up 24/7, 365 than spend a day in the lowest depths of my depression.

Today* has been pretty interesting. I witnessed an epic battle of man vs. squirrel this morning. Squirrel won, but man put a pretty good fight. I also joined a meditation class. It starts tomorrow, though their flyer says otherwise. I've joined a book club on Goodreads through Oh No They Didn't, and I've started A Game of Thrones, something I've wanted to read for a while. I had lunch with a hobo and had a really good talk with him. I'm feeling great, different even. I'll have to see where things go from here.

*I logged in this morning and realized that I never published this, so here it is.

Doing me

Everyone has a resolution or twelve for the new year. However, I have a mantra.

Do you, Timeeka. Do you!

I realize that's sort of a cop-out and really, really lame, but I'd like to actually achieve something realistic this year. Being myself is something that I can do without any problems. So that's all I'm doing this year. Me. And some more blogging, cooking, baking, bettering myself, etc. This year is gonna be a real success :)

Therapy Post: The Anniversay Weekend

I told myself that I was going to start blogging more positively starting today, but I have to get this one thing out. Then, POSITIVITY!!! My therapist says I should blog more to help draw out all of those unpleasant feelings and really think about them. The last really unpleasant feeling I had was last weekend on my anniversary with my boyfriend. I fail.

With us, everything seems to go back to the fact that I have a hard time explaining my reluctance with being super affectionate. Honestly, it's not something that I can ever remember doing with anyone or anything. Maybe I've come close with my dogs, but even they know that I prefer to sit in silence a lot of time and do nothing. It's just how I am.

That being said, I do love my boyfriend. It's not like we don't ever touch each other or anything. I'm just not cool with being felt up at 4 in the morning when I'm dead asleep. I don't understand how people can have sex that early in the morning after you've already gone to bed. Not to mention how completely unattractive I look and feel with I'm in sleepytime mode. I look like someone's crazy grandmother most of the time, and morning breath ain't cute. I'm just not up for it.


I end up doing a lot of pushing away and smacking at night as a result since someone can't take a hint. But instead of just rolling over like he usually does, this time he got really upset, as if I had told him that I wanted our relationship to be devoid of any sort of physical contact. This was absolutely foreign to me. He never shows or tells me when he's upset. Ever. I felt like I had kicked a puppy, and all I wanted to do is go to sleep. So I did.

As you can imagine, that ended well. We spent the first 18 hours of our anniversary not looking or talking to each, besides for really pathetic small talk so that we didn't look like freaks in public. It was awful. I spent hours wanting to cry.

In the end, everything was solved with a kiss. Incredibly lame and cheesy, but all is well. For now at least.

Boo to This Bull

I'm stuck in a terrible rut, and nothing seems to be going quite the way I planned. I haven't met any of my goals that I set for myself at the beginning of August, and I feel like a proper failure. How exactly do you move forward when there's so much stuff holding you back? I feel like a lot of my issues at this point would be solved by having some form of steady income. Anyone one want to buy some treats?

LDR - Keeping Myself Busy So That the Longing Isn't So Hard to Bear

I'm currently in a long distance relationship (LDR from here on), though in truth we aren't so far away. He lives exactly 80 miles from me, and we manage to see each other every weekend. However, it does makes the weekdays terribly bland and hard to get through considering that another visit is coming up within five days (though it's actually two from today), and I seem to more needy and attached than I ever thought I would be.

Thus I try to find a project every week to make things easier for myself. I'm always baking, but this weeks project revolves around an iPad. Specifically his iPad that he never uses and could care less about. My muffin is not an Apple man, and he loathes Steve Jobs like it's his life's goal. He has to keep up appearances since his company was kind enough to give it to him for free, but since the COO didn't show up this week as planned, I was graciously give a week to play with it. I've currently installed nearly 30 apps on this thing, synced up all my email address, and put all of our photos together on it. It's pretty much mine now, though I have to give it up on Sunday.

I'm happy to have found something to take up all the spare time that school and volunteering leaves me, but I have no idea what I'll do for next week. Time to brainstorm. 

Operation TryNotToFail

I'm admittedly terribly pessimistic about most life, but I'm not to the point where I can't see the good in anything. After being knocked down and rejected so many times in the past 3 months, I'm just tired. Maybe it's me. Maybe. In any case, I've got to put my all towards changing things.


So today is day one of my experiment. I'm trying to see if changing my attitudes about spending, confrontation, and optimism will lead to some good. I'm gonna go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'm going to make the effort to read at least an hour a day. I'm changing what and way I approach food. I'm going to call my parents more, and keep in contact with my siblings and far away friends. I'm going to put on a happy face (this will definitely be the hardest to do). I'm going to do it, and I'm going to use this blog to track it.

I AM EXCITE!

(not a typo, btw)

So I may have just gotten my first order on my brand spanking new Etsy shop. I think. It was at least an inquiry, which is more than I've gotten in weeks. I hope this turns out to be the first of many new visitors to my shop. I need the money, and I need the experience so that I can get better.

I've got to start on Sunshine Bear's birthday cake. At first he asked for something nearly impossible for me to make without weeks of planning. I'm glad he settled on the Katamari cake. I think I can do that within the time constraints given. We'll just have to see.

Rings and Things

I think that things are far more serious with our relationship than I had originally assumed. It's one thing to talk about what you want for the future. I was just prompted to write out a detailed list of what I want for us in the next five years. Detailed as in what engagement ring I would want, the cut, clarity, color, and carat of the diamond (if I want a diamond), my ring size, what metal I want the band to be, simple or gaudy, traditional or modern. While I usually love this sort of detailed planning (OCD and paranoia make for wonderful lists, calendars, etc.), this is freaking me out. I'm not ready to be engaged. Hell, I'm not ready to graduate!

It's one thing to say that we'll be together forever, but it's completely different ballgame when there are steps towards that goal. I'm not commitment phobic. I want a house, and kids, dogs of varying sizes and breeds, and a marriage that lasts until one of us bites it. I'm just not sure of how fast I want all of this to happen. I want a career. I want to be able to take care of myself if and when I need to. I want to be an employee of the Department of the Interior and have one of those really flashy business cards with the NPS arrowhead on it. That's gonna take some time, more than expected really. I'm just hoping that if I get a ring within the next year, it'll be a very long engagement.

Posting Fail Is My Game

I'm terrible at updating my blogs. Absolutely terrible. I've decided to remedy this by posting something once a week. I, Timeeka, promise to update this blog at least once a week. I think I can manage that. I hope I can.

Boo Unemployment

Not having a job really sucks. I've been lucky to have an internship this summer, but every penny that I've earned has to go towards rent for the next six months. I need some sort of employment to take care of the rest of what I'll need for that time period, and it's not looking good. I've had 20 interviews this summer, and nothing has come from any of them. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but it's really starting to wear on me. I can't imagine how people with family in the same situation that I'm in deal with it. Hopefully today's interview leads to something good. If not, I just have to keep looking.

La Grande Malaise

I've had problems with depression for the last five years, and it bothers me how fashionable it seems to be sometimes. While teenage angst seems to be something that everyone has had to deal with, the sort of depression that I find myself dealing with everyday is almost soul crushing. While I haven't had a day where I couldn't get out of bed in a while, I feel like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle with mind.Lately I've found nearly impossible to leave the house by myself.

Coming to terms with the fact that I seem to have more problems that I'd care to admit is difficult. I've got a new therapist, and Wednesday is our first meeting. Thankfully I'm in Augusta because I'm not sure if I'd go if I were in Athens. Hopefully this will be turning point.

Catching Up

It seems the highlight of the last few months has been my relationship with Josef. All is surprisingly well considering my failing with emotional availability, and I can only hope that things get even better. If you would have told me a year ago we'd be happily together, I would have laughed to near tears, but my Button and I seem to be perfect for each other. It's funny how life works.

I don't intend this blog to turn into some horribly sappy documentation of our relationship, btw. I just needed to diverge down the road of romantic mush for a bit :)

I made a lasagna today with a tomato sauce from scratch. I'm getting my culinary skills in order before I go out into the real world, and I'm doing surprisingly well. Baking is my real obsession right now, and I'm planning a Mad Hatter tea party. I can't wait to make all of the little treats. My kids won't ever have to worry when it comes to birthday parties lol.

So for now, things are all good.

I Need a Resolution

I've decided that instead of kidding myself and writing a list of resolutions that I have no intention to keep, I'm stick with the easiest one I can think of as of now. I RESOLVE TO ABSTAIN FROM FAILURE! That's it; I'm not gonna fail at learning, loving, or living. I'm gonna do my best to "do me", and that's all. I think I may be able to achieve this, so here goes!

A Maltese, Please?

I want this dog.


Okay, maybe not this dog, but I want a maltese with a puppy cut. I met the cutest little puppy yesterday while walking my dog. Well, at this point, Pudding belongs to my family more than me, so I'd like to have something that belonged just to me. My real problem is getting consent from Dr. Watson's parents to have the dog in their place. That seems like a flight of fancy, so until then, I'll just look at pictures of adorable dogs that I can't have.

Happiness May Be a Warm Gun

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

There are days when I wake up and feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't even begin to describe the insurmountable tidal wave of pain I feel when I actually take a step back think about what's happening to me. I'm a manic depressive schizophrenic, but no one around me wants to come to terms with that fact. Everyone ignores it like it isn't there, like everything is fine. It isn't fine, it won't be fine, and I'm afraid it will never be fine.

I'm living in a world that demands happiness and positivity. Everyone is busy ignoring what's always there in the background. Is it really so bad to welcome gloom and sorrow once in a while? I'm not the only person lying to myself, but maybe my lies are bigger and far more dangerous than most. I'm done with telling myself I'm fine when it's getting more and more obvious that I'm not. I'm done with lying about what is clearly in front of me.

I can see is that something isn't right anymore, that I can barely keep up my veneer of normality. They've come back to silently taunt me with their false existence; things and sounds that are real only in my mind. I've been running away from the truth of the matter because it's far too depressing to admit. I can't imagine not being able to live a fulfilling life, but as time goes by, that dream seems farther and farther out of my reach.

I've fallen into a pit of despair, but I'm not sure I'll be able to climb out this time.

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

I officially had the best time of this semester last night. I've been to shows at Opera in Atlanta, but I've never been there when the energy in the place was so high. This was all thanks to the awesomely amazing Armin van Buuren. He's one of the few DJ right that I could honestly say is both adorable and amazing. I was ready to go after a while, and I still couldn't physically leave. He was that good, and I hope I get the chance to see him again.

Unfortunately enough, yesterday started out pretty bad. I woke up late, I got a C on my breakout response for history, the chocolate cake that I made turned out horrible, and I think that our cable got disconnected. What was worse is that KeKe had me worried for a bit that something horrible was going on with her and her boyfriend, but once again, I'm still not entirely sure of what happened.

After all of that fail, the night had to be better, right? Thankfully, it was. I got in with Chuurippu and Sunshine Bear despite a wee mishap, and we even got to skip the majority of the line to here the set of the guy before Armin; leave it to him to have an great opening act. It was hotter than I can ever remember it being, but it was still great. Opera managed to get this two adorable dancers that looked like an anime and a rave had twins. Sunshine called them Thing One and Thing Two, but they were way cuter than that.

Of course there was some bad in the form of a dealer ("You know anyone that wants some X?"), a creepy flailing guy, and a creeper that tried to give me a roofied free drink. My mamma didn't raise a fool, so I politely said no. When that no was taken as me teasing (?), I gave a elbow to the crotch. I'm not sure what's the matter with the creepers of Atlanta, but they aren't phased by crotch shots anymore. Chuurippu ended up doing this epic move where she would pull me in front of her, and it looked like some awesome vortex.

Will I do it again? With pleasure.

Before I Forget

It's amazing how loopy I get when sickness comes around. Unfortunately, I suffer for all kinds of illnesses on an almost constant basis. Two weeks ago it was my white blood cells, and now because my system is weak, I've got this weird combo of throat and nose congestion and overall fatigue. No fever yet, thank the Lord, but I feel bad enough. I hate the feeling of not being unclean, and I feel that way every time I come down with something.

Despite all, I managed to do one last baking hurrah and made Chuurippu a pound cake. We're becoming really good friends since KeKe spends all of her time with her boyfriend. I think it's because we're so much alike, but different enough that she isn't my twin or evil doppelganger. It's nice to escape the drama of my other friends, and luckily she's cool with me being so weird.

The NyQuil is starting to kick in, so I'm gonna go down for a nap.