I Need a Resolution

I've decided that instead of kidding myself and writing a list of resolutions that I have no intention to keep, I'm stick with the easiest one I can think of as of now. I RESOLVE TO ABSTAIN FROM FAILURE! That's it; I'm not gonna fail at learning, loving, or living. I'm gonna do my best to "do me", and that's all. I think I may be able to achieve this, so here goes!

A Maltese, Please?

I want this dog.


Okay, maybe not this dog, but I want a maltese with a puppy cut. I met the cutest little puppy yesterday while walking my dog. Well, at this point, Pudding belongs to my family more than me, so I'd like to have something that belonged just to me. My real problem is getting consent from Dr. Watson's parents to have the dog in their place. That seems like a flight of fancy, so until then, I'll just look at pictures of adorable dogs that I can't have.

Happiness May Be a Warm Gun

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

There are days when I wake up and feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't even begin to describe the insurmountable tidal wave of pain I feel when I actually take a step back think about what's happening to me. I'm a manic depressive schizophrenic, but no one around me wants to come to terms with that fact. Everyone ignores it like it isn't there, like everything is fine. It isn't fine, it won't be fine, and I'm afraid it will never be fine.

I'm living in a world that demands happiness and positivity. Everyone is busy ignoring what's always there in the background. Is it really so bad to welcome gloom and sorrow once in a while? I'm not the only person lying to myself, but maybe my lies are bigger and far more dangerous than most. I'm done with telling myself I'm fine when it's getting more and more obvious that I'm not. I'm done with lying about what is clearly in front of me.

I can see is that something isn't right anymore, that I can barely keep up my veneer of normality. They've come back to silently taunt me with their false existence; things and sounds that are real only in my mind. I've been running away from the truth of the matter because it's far too depressing to admit. I can't imagine not being able to live a fulfilling life, but as time goes by, that dream seems farther and farther out of my reach.

I've fallen into a pit of despair, but I'm not sure I'll be able to climb out this time.

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

I officially had the best time of this semester last night. I've been to shows at Opera in Atlanta, but I've never been there when the energy in the place was so high. This was all thanks to the awesomely amazing Armin van Buuren. He's one of the few DJ right that I could honestly say is both adorable and amazing. I was ready to go after a while, and I still couldn't physically leave. He was that good, and I hope I get the chance to see him again.

Unfortunately enough, yesterday started out pretty bad. I woke up late, I got a C on my breakout response for history, the chocolate cake that I made turned out horrible, and I think that our cable got disconnected. What was worse is that KeKe had me worried for a bit that something horrible was going on with her and her boyfriend, but once again, I'm still not entirely sure of what happened.

After all of that fail, the night had to be better, right? Thankfully, it was. I got in with Chuurippu and Sunshine Bear despite a wee mishap, and we even got to skip the majority of the line to here the set of the guy before Armin; leave it to him to have an great opening act. It was hotter than I can ever remember it being, but it was still great. Opera managed to get this two adorable dancers that looked like an anime and a rave had twins. Sunshine called them Thing One and Thing Two, but they were way cuter than that.

Of course there was some bad in the form of a dealer ("You know anyone that wants some X?"), a creepy flailing guy, and a creeper that tried to give me a roofied free drink. My mamma didn't raise a fool, so I politely said no. When that no was taken as me teasing (?), I gave a elbow to the crotch. I'm not sure what's the matter with the creepers of Atlanta, but they aren't phased by crotch shots anymore. Chuurippu ended up doing this epic move where she would pull me in front of her, and it looked like some awesome vortex.

Will I do it again? With pleasure.

Before I Forget

It's amazing how loopy I get when sickness comes around. Unfortunately, I suffer for all kinds of illnesses on an almost constant basis. Two weeks ago it was my white blood cells, and now because my system is weak, I've got this weird combo of throat and nose congestion and overall fatigue. No fever yet, thank the Lord, but I feel bad enough. I hate the feeling of not being unclean, and I feel that way every time I come down with something.

Despite all, I managed to do one last baking hurrah and made Chuurippu a pound cake. We're becoming really good friends since KeKe spends all of her time with her boyfriend. I think it's because we're so much alike, but different enough that she isn't my twin or evil doppelganger. It's nice to escape the drama of my other friends, and luckily she's cool with me being so weird.

The NyQuil is starting to kick in, so I'm gonna go down for a nap.

Tales of a 14th Grade Nothing

I've come to the conclusion that other people's bull isn't my problem. It never was, and it never will be unless I make it so. Of course in practice, this never works out, but I can't say that I'm not trying. I'm so tired of the debacle that has become Lizard and the Flying Duthcman's so called relationship. I'm tired of hearing from Mutterschaf about anything to do with the Gypsy, and how stupid he is for being so oblivious to the fail that has been his life with Lizard.

The only good thing that has come from this is that my evil plan to get Esteban back from last semester. I bought a very scary object last semester, let's call it a candle stick. I've been decorating this "candle stick" for the longest time, and now I'm gonna giggle with glee while he is horrified with his present. Now I've just gotta wait for his birthday to spring it on him. Despite the embarrassment from having Rachel take it from the mail last semester, I believe that in the end it will be worth it.

The one thing that I have to look forward to is the Armin Van Buuren show on the first. It should be fun, and with any luck, Chuurippu will join Sunshine Bear and me.

It's Been a While

I haven't done anything on this blog for two months, and I feel a little bad about it. For a while I was sure that no one read it or anything, but it shouldn't be about how many followers I have or whatever. It should be about me, but of course, I love to make my life way more miserable than it really has to be.

Life always is more difficult than it should be, but all I can do is try to live long enough to at least feel content. Thankfully Spring Break is finally here, and going to Hilton Head with my past and present roomies. I can only hope that the drama of the last two weeks is left in Athens, but knowing everyone and everything, I should be ready for disaster. I'm glad I'll finally get to a beach after two years of missing the ocean. If anything, I can always go visit Granddaddy in Jacksonville. Too bad my aunt is in Ohio, but I know that she's there for a good reason.

The highlight of next week will definitely be Momo-Con. I've been working on that retarded parapara for the longest, and I finally got my steampunk cosplay together. I guess I've gotta look on the bright side and enjoy things.