Happiness May Be a Warm Gun

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

There are days when I wake up and feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't even begin to describe the insurmountable tidal wave of pain I feel when I actually take a step back think about what's happening to me. I'm a manic depressive schizophrenic, but no one around me wants to come to terms with that fact. Everyone ignores it like it isn't there, like everything is fine. It isn't fine, it won't be fine, and I'm afraid it will never be fine.

I'm living in a world that demands happiness and positivity. Everyone is busy ignoring what's always there in the background. Is it really so bad to welcome gloom and sorrow once in a while? I'm not the only person lying to myself, but maybe my lies are bigger and far more dangerous than most. I'm done with telling myself I'm fine when it's getting more and more obvious that I'm not. I'm done with lying about what is clearly in front of me.

I can see is that something isn't right anymore, that I can barely keep up my veneer of normality. They've come back to silently taunt me with their false existence; things and sounds that are real only in my mind. I've been running away from the truth of the matter because it's far too depressing to admit. I can't imagine not being able to live a fulfilling life, but as time goes by, that dream seems farther and farther out of my reach.

I've fallen into a pit of despair, but I'm not sure I'll be able to climb out this time.