Posting Fail Is My Game

I'm terrible at updating my blogs. Absolutely terrible. I've decided to remedy this by posting something once a week. I, Timeeka, promise to update this blog at least once a week. I think I can manage that. I hope I can.

Boo Unemployment

Not having a job really sucks. I've been lucky to have an internship this summer, but every penny that I've earned has to go towards rent for the next six months. I need some sort of employment to take care of the rest of what I'll need for that time period, and it's not looking good. I've had 20 interviews this summer, and nothing has come from any of them. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but it's really starting to wear on me. I can't imagine how people with family in the same situation that I'm in deal with it. Hopefully today's interview leads to something good. If not, I just have to keep looking.

La Grande Malaise

I've had problems with depression for the last five years, and it bothers me how fashionable it seems to be sometimes. While teenage angst seems to be something that everyone has had to deal with, the sort of depression that I find myself dealing with everyday is almost soul crushing. While I haven't had a day where I couldn't get out of bed in a while, I feel like I'm constantly fighting a losing battle with mind.Lately I've found nearly impossible to leave the house by myself.

Coming to terms with the fact that I seem to have more problems that I'd care to admit is difficult. I've got a new therapist, and Wednesday is our first meeting. Thankfully I'm in Augusta because I'm not sure if I'd go if I were in Athens. Hopefully this will be turning point.

Catching Up

It seems the highlight of the last few months has been my relationship with Josef. All is surprisingly well considering my failing with emotional availability, and I can only hope that things get even better. If you would have told me a year ago we'd be happily together, I would have laughed to near tears, but my Button and I seem to be perfect for each other. It's funny how life works.

I don't intend this blog to turn into some horribly sappy documentation of our relationship, btw. I just needed to diverge down the road of romantic mush for a bit :)

I made a lasagna today with a tomato sauce from scratch. I'm getting my culinary skills in order before I go out into the real world, and I'm doing surprisingly well. Baking is my real obsession right now, and I'm planning a Mad Hatter tea party. I can't wait to make all of the little treats. My kids won't ever have to worry when it comes to birthday parties lol.

So for now, things are all good.

I Need a Resolution

I've decided that instead of kidding myself and writing a list of resolutions that I have no intention to keep, I'm stick with the easiest one I can think of as of now. I RESOLVE TO ABSTAIN FROM FAILURE! That's it; I'm not gonna fail at learning, loving, or living. I'm gonna do my best to "do me", and that's all. I think I may be able to achieve this, so here goes!

A Maltese, Please?

I want this dog.


Okay, maybe not this dog, but I want a maltese with a puppy cut. I met the cutest little puppy yesterday while walking my dog. Well, at this point, Pudding belongs to my family more than me, so I'd like to have something that belonged just to me. My real problem is getting consent from Dr. Watson's parents to have the dog in their place. That seems like a flight of fancy, so until then, I'll just look at pictures of adorable dogs that I can't have.

Happiness May Be a Warm Gun

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don't know the answer, I know only that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

There are days when I wake up and feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't even begin to describe the insurmountable tidal wave of pain I feel when I actually take a step back think about what's happening to me. I'm a manic depressive schizophrenic, but no one around me wants to come to terms with that fact. Everyone ignores it like it isn't there, like everything is fine. It isn't fine, it won't be fine, and I'm afraid it will never be fine.

I'm living in a world that demands happiness and positivity. Everyone is busy ignoring what's always there in the background. Is it really so bad to welcome gloom and sorrow once in a while? I'm not the only person lying to myself, but maybe my lies are bigger and far more dangerous than most. I'm done with telling myself I'm fine when it's getting more and more obvious that I'm not. I'm done with lying about what is clearly in front of me.

I can see is that something isn't right anymore, that I can barely keep up my veneer of normality. They've come back to silently taunt me with their false existence; things and sounds that are real only in my mind. I've been running away from the truth of the matter because it's far too depressing to admit. I can't imagine not being able to live a fulfilling life, but as time goes by, that dream seems farther and farther out of my reach.

I've fallen into a pit of despair, but I'm not sure I'll be able to climb out this time.