Wagashi and Other Forms of Happiness

It's only Wednesday, but this week has already been pretty awesome. Since jumping on this new project, I've been partly obsessed with trying to make desserts that look like wagashi, traditional Japanese sweets, but don't taste like wagashi. Unfortunately enough, I feel like most Americans (i.e. my future costumers) wouldn't really like the taste of traditional Japanese desserts because they contain things like azuki bean paste and mochi (think marzipan, but with sticky rice and no sweetness). I've decided to combat that with the wonder food-clay, marzipan. How can one not like marzipan (unless you're allergic to almonds)? I want to eventually be able to emulate these:








I started small today and made little "sushi".

Aren't they cute? I think I need to stop asking my roomie for her thoughts when it comes to Japanese stuff. She's not very helpful, although I do have to admit she tries. She did comment that my marzipan was good, despite my failure to grind the almonds fine enough. Oh well. The "sushi" looked good anyway. I did have a problem with molding, which I hope to fix by early next year.

The point of all this baking is for a fundraiser for this new project, Aisuru Nippon. Since it's being run by my BFF Raven, we needed a way to fund things. What better way than a "bake sale"? We hope to have a loli inspired tea party fundraiser early 2009. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what would be best to use for the party and the mail-order baking that we plan to do.

I also made a brisket last night. It was cheap, and I love to cook, so I roasted it with some potatoes, carrots, garlic, and onions. Me, my roomie, and my friend Kessy ended up having dinner together before my roomie's Glee Club concert. Kessy, me, and other members of crew ended up going to support her. I believe Das Weibcheneselgesicht only showed up to support Der Fliegende Holländer, but I liked the concert despite her presence. Then we all journeyed to the Grill to "conversate". I believe the waitress was a little peeved that two of our party didn't get anything. I did get a IBC root beer, but she was a little "eh" to our end of the table.

It was only after the chillout did I realize how cold it's starting to get. I need to get realistic since it's the end of October, but I don't have an affinity for cold weather. What gets me its all these people walking around in 35 degree weather in the mornings like's 70 outside. I want people to put on the heavy winter coat that I have before they get sick. I feel like I look weird bundling up when they're obviously the weirdos. It's too cold to be wearing flipflops. PUT THE FLIPFLOPS UP AND PUT ON A REAL JACKET! Those stupid North Face things aren't made to hold up against a windchill below 30 degrees.

Huge House update: HOUSE TOTALLY KISSED CUDDY! I managed to watch the episode thanks to my buddy Leo from France. I'm so excited, but I've totally seen this coming for the longest time. House and Cuddy need to be together, considering the fact that noone else in their right mind would take House. And since Cuddy didn't get to have her adopted baby after all, someone needed to make her feel better, if you get what I'm saying. I can't wait for what's gonna happen next.

Anyway, things are getting better, and Lord willing, I will be getting better too.

Things Fall Apart

I woke up this morning feeling the worst I've ever felt. EVER. I didn't move for 6 HOURS, and when I finally got out of bed, I wanted to die. I've never been suicidal, but I just wanted to stop breathing. Or feeling the way I felt. I've never experienced a depression like this, to the point where I couldn't get out of bed without feeling like the world is crushing me.

I think that I might need to completely take a step back and withdraw from all of my courses. My mental state is steadily getting worse, and I feel that I might go to an extreme if I don't deal with things now. The only problem is that I couldn't possibly talk to my parents about it. If anything, they steadily make things worse. I'm not sure about what I need to do, but something's got to give.

This heavy almost crushing burden of nothing has been sitting on my chest forever. I don't feel like I have a reason to be sad or unhappy with my life, but I am. I hate feeling so bad, so useless. I need someone, anyone to just tell me it will be okay. I've become a hermit, but no one around has seemed to notice...yet. I want to be alone, but I feel some weird obligation to be sociable. I've been pretending for the past two years, but I'm getting tired of everyone and everything. I need something, someone different, and I know that I need to leave to find it. But where should I go?

Fooding

I was watching this show on the Travel Channel tonight instead of studying for my midterms. This word, fooding, came up when the host asked this French chef why he loved food so much and what it meant to him. The chef responded that it was the memories from cooking, not the fancy ingredients or the name of the restaurant, that meant something to him. He went on to say it was the feeling of bringing joy to others through the simple act of creating and sharing a necessity that made him want to become a chef.

Something in that little clip spoke to my soul. I love to bake and cook. If I could do anything for the rest of my life, I would run a bakery or a bistro. That feeling of satisfaction when you've created something that is pleasing to all the senses is wonderful. Recently I've gone on a birthday cake spree, making a Bowser cake and a Princess Peach cake. This week's task is a joint project Batman cake. You'd think these things were for 5 and 6 year old kids, but my very "adult" friends have been requesting them.

It's an outlet for me. If depression is creeping up on me or I feel really upset, I bake three dozen madeleines, or I steam some Xiaolóngbāo. I've realized that I do this purely as a stress-reliever, and I rarely actually eat most of what I make. At first it was my family, but now my poor roommate and friends are test subjects for everything that I make. I feel particularly bad for subjecting them to some pretty horrendous stuff, like the infamous lemon pound cake that had way too much lemon. They're really brave considering some of the monsters I've birthed from the oven.

I put a lot of time and effort into everything that I make, and I try my best to do it from scratch. There's something special about spending hours in the kitchen making something that didn't come straight from the store or even a box. But I feel like I'm trying to create some sort of fantasy of my own. My mother and grandmother rarely cook traditional homemade meals like the Sunday dinner of years past. I guess I want something like that because I'm getting older. More and more time passes between family get-togethers, and we're all getting older as the days pass.

I'm worried that there will come a time when I don't enjoy cooking or baking. What really frightens me is that I think that day is coming sooner than I thought.

The Allure of a Swiss Bank Account

Everyone's heard of a Swiss bank account. The high tech security, the secrecy, the safety. Well, the image given to these fail safe accounts isn't exactly the truth. You can't take your drug money, or stolen artwork and hide it in these accounts. That's illegal. You can hold any funds that you can prove are legally yours. I've gotten so interested in having one of these accounts because of the current state of the economy. My bank, Wachovia, was sold to Wells Fargo today for around $15 billion. I'm not sure what will mean for my future, but it makes me a bit worried. I've decided that I will open up two accounts, one for me, and one for my niece, Ahni'ya (pronounce Ah-ny-ah)

The account I'll start for my niece is the most important in my mind. My siblings and I decided that we wanted to do all that we could to make sure that she gets all the opportunities to leave Bowling Green, KY and do something with her life. I've seen what that void does to people with dreams and ambitions; they all leave or get destroyed. I really want something better for her than her parents can give her. I feel like I need to be the one to give her a safety net in life because I've know how hard it's been for me.

I need to stop trying to save everyone else and focus on me.

Presenting...THE AWESOMETASTIC BOWSER SHELL CAKE!

My dear friend Matt Beaty turned 19 yesterday. Crew decided that we needed to make him an awesome birthday cake. After seeing some of the more awesome examples of Mario themed cakes, we knew that we were gonna make him a Bowser cake. However, we are NOT professional cake decorators, and we're kinda lazy. So instead, we made a representation of his shell.



Friday night, Casey and I started with the basic canvas, a red velvet cake. Red velvet is one of the best cakes ever. My granddaddy use to make the best red velvet cake only for the holidays. He died like a decade ago, and my granny will make it only for the holidays as well. Casey and I could have done it the right way, but it takes to much time and too much stuff. We settled with the two boxes of cake mix. Casey was amazed that I could brake the egg shells with one hand. I've been baking so long that I forget that some people can't do that. She started mixing the batter, and, oddly enough, it looked like brains and then turned in a thick blood colored paste. We put it in the oven, and it took FOREVER to bake. I then made white chocolate pyramids to fashion Bowser's spikes. We had a bit of a problem trying to transfer the chocolate to these molds I got off Ebay. Finally I just settled on the cookie scoop.

I then had to make this frosting. Red velvet cakes should only be frosted with a butter roux, NOT VANILLA AND NOT CREAM CHEESE! It took forever to make, but it was worth it. I then had to dye it. IT TOOK AN ENTIRE TUBE OF GREEN FOOD COLORING. It tasted great, though.

Here's what it all looked like before my roomie Rachel and I assembled it:

This is what resulted:

Pretty good, huh. It did start melting a bit, but it tasted delicious. Matt really liked it, and I felt good about it. It looked really cool once we cut into it. I'm not sure if you can see it because my camera kinda sucks. Special thanks to Rachel and Casey for helping me make it happen. Rachel's birthday is this Saturday, so I'm thinking I need to do something awesome. Maybe Princess Peach?

And It All Falls Down

Since AWA has ended, I've found myself in a rut of sorts. I'm unhappy, unmotivated, uninspired. I'm un...everything. I'm not sure if this a sort of depression that I'm going through, but I'm not having any fun. I've just started this über scary new medication. I got a C+ on the math test that I thought I aced. I've been having more and more problems with psychosis. And to top it all of, I've disappointed my parents...again. I really wish that I could find some sort of solution.

Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. Weems to track my progress on Paxil. While I feel a little better, the scary part about my life, the psychosis is really starting to affect my school work. When I stopped by Dr. Ma's office yesterday to get my Math exam, I was shocked to see that I only got a C+. Talk about a damper to my day. I couldn't believe it. After all that time studying and crap, I get a lousy C+. That really made me mad. Then I get to Dr. Weems to find that the cheapest medication to help me is gonna cost $238 for a trial period of a month, and only if I cut the pills in half.


What really has been affecting me is my agoraphobia. It's getting harder and harder to leave in the mornings for anything. Class, work, appointments, and food don't seem all that important when I can't get the mental strength to step out of the front door. I sat in my car for 15 minutes yesterday morning trying to get brave enough to turn the car key and leave the parking lot. I really hope that this medicine makes me feel better, or at least good enough to be able to get going without fear.

That's the one thing that many people don't understand. It's all based on this irrational fear, and until you've felt that fear for yourself, you won't get it. It's frightening not being able to leave my apartment by myself. It's more frightening that I've started to close myself off to the outside world. The thing is that I want to be left alone. I like hermit myself away from society. I'm a little worried that this might start to negatively affect the rest of my life.

With a Little Help From My Friends

So I realize that I've been doing a fail job at posting. Rest assured, now I have more time to moan and complain via the interweb, so I'll definitely be posting more. Recent problems with my health (mental and physical) have sidelined a lot of things, including this blog and another blog I'm working on, but I'm back in business.






House premiered last night, and a bunch of my friends came over to watch it with us (my roommate and I). There was an attempt of sabotage from someone that I despise (I will refer to this person as Das Weibcheneselgesicht for the purpose of not getting sued), but as usual she failed to succeed. Everyone, except for Der Fliegende Holländer, joined us to watch the lovely Gregory House be himself, a lovable douchbag. I love Hugh Laurie, so if he's in, I'll watch it. I even saw that horrible new movie with Keneau Reeves because he had a supporting role in it. The show was as epically awesome as ever. The ending of the episode made me want to cry a bit, but I managed not to bust a tear.

It made me realize how decent of a person I must be, as compared to House. Actually, the isn't really all that hard, but I it really got me to thinking. I have a lot of friends that actually want to hang out with me or talk to me on a regular basis. Poor House, and some other people I know, don't have that. I don't know what I would do with my friends. After what happened last week (a mini mental breakdown), I really appreciate what all of my Athens crew are doing to help me get better. Thanks everyone.