Since AWA has ended, I've found myself in a rut of sorts. I'm unhappy, unmotivated, uninspired. I'm un...everything. I'm not sure if this a sort of depression that I'm going through, but I'm not having any fun. I've just started this über scary new medication. I got a C+ on the math test that I thought I aced. I've been having more and more problems with psychosis. And to top it all of, I've disappointed my parents...again. I really wish that I could find some sort of solution.
Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. Weems to track my progress on Paxil. While I feel a little better, the scary part about my life, the psychosis is really starting to affect my school work. When I stopped by Dr. Ma's office yesterday to get my Math exam, I was shocked to see that I only got a C+. Talk about a damper to my day. I couldn't believe it. After all that time studying and crap, I get a lousy C+. That really made me mad. Then I get to Dr. Weems to find that the cheapest medication to help me is gonna cost $238 for a trial period of a month, and only if I cut the pills in half.
What really has been affecting me is my agoraphobia. It's getting harder and harder to leave in the mornings for anything. Class, work, appointments, and food don't seem all that important when I can't get the mental strength to step out of the front door. I sat in my car for 15 minutes yesterday morning trying to get brave enough to turn the car key and leave the parking lot. I really hope that this medicine makes me feel better, or at least good enough to be able to get going without fear.
That's the one thing that many people don't understand. It's all based on this irrational fear, and until you've felt that fear for yourself, you won't get it. It's frightening not being able to leave my apartment by myself. It's more frightening that I've started to close myself off to the outside world. The thing is that I want to be left alone. I like hermit myself away from society. I'm a little worried that this might start to negatively affect the rest of my life.
1 comment:
It's the after con funk.
Everyone is usually in "un" mode for a while.
What happend with your parents? You should attempt to not let the whole disappointment parent issue get you down.
Agoraphobia is something that takes time to deal with or figure it.
I mean by you should start thinking outside the box on how to deal with it.
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