Why Don't Sing They Like This These Days?

I woke up this morning to this song playing on my iPod. Dusty is amazing, and it made a little jealousy to think of the kind of quality music my grandmother was exposed to when she was my age. Enjoy.

Is It the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

The holiday season is fast approaching, and I'm already feeling the anxiety and paranoia building up inside of me. Whenever I can manage to drag myself out of my apartment, I'm assaulted with the consumerism that has become Christmas. Macy's and other department stores starting building their displays in September, and once Halloween is over, it's full blown panic to get everything one would "need" to make this season the best ever. For me, it's probably the opposite.

I'm positive now that I'm suffering from full-blown agoraphobia. At the beginning of the semester, it wasn't so hard to go outside of my apartment. Now, waking up in the mornings to go to class or work is a battle. Every morning I awake this heighten sense that someone's watching me, or that my entire day is going to be the worst I've ever had.

I feel like I'm about to self-destruct. I'm afraid of what this mean for my future. I'd never want to get to the point of considering institutionalization, but if I can't get a handle on my everyday life, how am I going to be able to get through the mess that's usually Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family?

This year is set to be extra special. My cousin (who's a year younger and has just started college) is pregnant and has therefore committed the Epic Fail of the year. She's been in class for less than 3 months, and lives less than 10 miles from her mom and stepfather; I think I've said enough. That does mean that the Barnett family won't be visiting for either holiday, and that will spare my family having to listen to my aunt's so called Christian manifesto on living life.

My oldest cousin and my oldest uncle on my mother's side will be spending the holidays in prison and jail respectively. My granny's new beau (who I hate as much as her last one) will unfortunately be joining us unless he manages to infuriate her before Thanksgiving. My aunt might show up, but her girlfriend's on the run from the law, so she'll probably pass up coming into any of the Southern United States.

So I think it will be me, Ma, Sir, Megan, Kandise, Jordan, Granny, James (the beau), and Uncle Denis. We're probably have the usual spread, and we'll all be pooped before 8 p.m. It might actually be somewhat normal, considering most of the nefarious elements of my family won't be able to make it.

A normal holiday. That'll be the first this family has ever seen.

Eye of the Tiger

Despite what I thought last night, I woke up this morning with a heavy cloud over me. I just felt bad, no matter what. I had myself a good long cry, then something great happened. This is why I am convinced that God exist; I was heading down a dark path otherwise.

This summer I did this internship that was a partnership between the City of Washington (in Georgia), The Student Conservation Association (a.k.a. the SCA), and the National Park Service (a.k.a. NPS). This was an opportunity of a lifetime (a.k.a. Jesus made a way), and I really enjoyed the entire experience despite spending the summer in libraries and graveyards. After the absolute awesomeness of this internship, going back to the daily grind really made me sad. Then, I got a call from Mr. Jenkins, my old supervisor from the internship. Not only will I be able to do this awesome workshop that's gonna be an great networking experience, but I got an guarantee that I'll have the same internship next summer.

This news completely broke me out of my funk, and I finally got to cleaning up the mess that's been my room. For real clean. I even cleaned out my closet and rearranged all of my clothes. Then, I went out for a jog Rocky style. Eye of the Tiger was on a loop on my iPod, and I felt alive.

Wagashi and Other Forms of Happiness

It's only Wednesday, but this week has already been pretty awesome. Since jumping on this new project, I've been partly obsessed with trying to make desserts that look like wagashi, traditional Japanese sweets, but don't taste like wagashi. Unfortunately enough, I feel like most Americans (i.e. my future costumers) wouldn't really like the taste of traditional Japanese desserts because they contain things like azuki bean paste and mochi (think marzipan, but with sticky rice and no sweetness). I've decided to combat that with the wonder food-clay, marzipan. How can one not like marzipan (unless you're allergic to almonds)? I want to eventually be able to emulate these:








I started small today and made little "sushi".

Aren't they cute? I think I need to stop asking my roomie for her thoughts when it comes to Japanese stuff. She's not very helpful, although I do have to admit she tries. She did comment that my marzipan was good, despite my failure to grind the almonds fine enough. Oh well. The "sushi" looked good anyway. I did have a problem with molding, which I hope to fix by early next year.

The point of all this baking is for a fundraiser for this new project, Aisuru Nippon. Since it's being run by my BFF Raven, we needed a way to fund things. What better way than a "bake sale"? We hope to have a loli inspired tea party fundraiser early 2009. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what would be best to use for the party and the mail-order baking that we plan to do.

I also made a brisket last night. It was cheap, and I love to cook, so I roasted it with some potatoes, carrots, garlic, and onions. Me, my roomie, and my friend Kessy ended up having dinner together before my roomie's Glee Club concert. Kessy, me, and other members of crew ended up going to support her. I believe Das Weibcheneselgesicht only showed up to support Der Fliegende Holländer, but I liked the concert despite her presence. Then we all journeyed to the Grill to "conversate". I believe the waitress was a little peeved that two of our party didn't get anything. I did get a IBC root beer, but she was a little "eh" to our end of the table.

It was only after the chillout did I realize how cold it's starting to get. I need to get realistic since it's the end of October, but I don't have an affinity for cold weather. What gets me its all these people walking around in 35 degree weather in the mornings like's 70 outside. I want people to put on the heavy winter coat that I have before they get sick. I feel like I look weird bundling up when they're obviously the weirdos. It's too cold to be wearing flipflops. PUT THE FLIPFLOPS UP AND PUT ON A REAL JACKET! Those stupid North Face things aren't made to hold up against a windchill below 30 degrees.

Huge House update: HOUSE TOTALLY KISSED CUDDY! I managed to watch the episode thanks to my buddy Leo from France. I'm so excited, but I've totally seen this coming for the longest time. House and Cuddy need to be together, considering the fact that noone else in their right mind would take House. And since Cuddy didn't get to have her adopted baby after all, someone needed to make her feel better, if you get what I'm saying. I can't wait for what's gonna happen next.

Anyway, things are getting better, and Lord willing, I will be getting better too.

Things Fall Apart

I woke up this morning feeling the worst I've ever felt. EVER. I didn't move for 6 HOURS, and when I finally got out of bed, I wanted to die. I've never been suicidal, but I just wanted to stop breathing. Or feeling the way I felt. I've never experienced a depression like this, to the point where I couldn't get out of bed without feeling like the world is crushing me.

I think that I might need to completely take a step back and withdraw from all of my courses. My mental state is steadily getting worse, and I feel that I might go to an extreme if I don't deal with things now. The only problem is that I couldn't possibly talk to my parents about it. If anything, they steadily make things worse. I'm not sure about what I need to do, but something's got to give.

This heavy almost crushing burden of nothing has been sitting on my chest forever. I don't feel like I have a reason to be sad or unhappy with my life, but I am. I hate feeling so bad, so useless. I need someone, anyone to just tell me it will be okay. I've become a hermit, but no one around has seemed to notice...yet. I want to be alone, but I feel some weird obligation to be sociable. I've been pretending for the past two years, but I'm getting tired of everyone and everything. I need something, someone different, and I know that I need to leave to find it. But where should I go?

Fooding

I was watching this show on the Travel Channel tonight instead of studying for my midterms. This word, fooding, came up when the host asked this French chef why he loved food so much and what it meant to him. The chef responded that it was the memories from cooking, not the fancy ingredients or the name of the restaurant, that meant something to him. He went on to say it was the feeling of bringing joy to others through the simple act of creating and sharing a necessity that made him want to become a chef.

Something in that little clip spoke to my soul. I love to bake and cook. If I could do anything for the rest of my life, I would run a bakery or a bistro. That feeling of satisfaction when you've created something that is pleasing to all the senses is wonderful. Recently I've gone on a birthday cake spree, making a Bowser cake and a Princess Peach cake. This week's task is a joint project Batman cake. You'd think these things were for 5 and 6 year old kids, but my very "adult" friends have been requesting them.

It's an outlet for me. If depression is creeping up on me or I feel really upset, I bake three dozen madeleines, or I steam some Xiaolóngbāo. I've realized that I do this purely as a stress-reliever, and I rarely actually eat most of what I make. At first it was my family, but now my poor roommate and friends are test subjects for everything that I make. I feel particularly bad for subjecting them to some pretty horrendous stuff, like the infamous lemon pound cake that had way too much lemon. They're really brave considering some of the monsters I've birthed from the oven.

I put a lot of time and effort into everything that I make, and I try my best to do it from scratch. There's something special about spending hours in the kitchen making something that didn't come straight from the store or even a box. But I feel like I'm trying to create some sort of fantasy of my own. My mother and grandmother rarely cook traditional homemade meals like the Sunday dinner of years past. I guess I want something like that because I'm getting older. More and more time passes between family get-togethers, and we're all getting older as the days pass.

I'm worried that there will come a time when I don't enjoy cooking or baking. What really frightens me is that I think that day is coming sooner than I thought.

The Allure of a Swiss Bank Account

Everyone's heard of a Swiss bank account. The high tech security, the secrecy, the safety. Well, the image given to these fail safe accounts isn't exactly the truth. You can't take your drug money, or stolen artwork and hide it in these accounts. That's illegal. You can hold any funds that you can prove are legally yours. I've gotten so interested in having one of these accounts because of the current state of the economy. My bank, Wachovia, was sold to Wells Fargo today for around $15 billion. I'm not sure what will mean for my future, but it makes me a bit worried. I've decided that I will open up two accounts, one for me, and one for my niece, Ahni'ya (pronounce Ah-ny-ah)

The account I'll start for my niece is the most important in my mind. My siblings and I decided that we wanted to do all that we could to make sure that she gets all the opportunities to leave Bowling Green, KY and do something with her life. I've seen what that void does to people with dreams and ambitions; they all leave or get destroyed. I really want something better for her than her parents can give her. I feel like I need to be the one to give her a safety net in life because I've know how hard it's been for me.

I need to stop trying to save everyone else and focus on me.

Presenting...THE AWESOMETASTIC BOWSER SHELL CAKE!

My dear friend Matt Beaty turned 19 yesterday. Crew decided that we needed to make him an awesome birthday cake. After seeing some of the more awesome examples of Mario themed cakes, we knew that we were gonna make him a Bowser cake. However, we are NOT professional cake decorators, and we're kinda lazy. So instead, we made a representation of his shell.



Friday night, Casey and I started with the basic canvas, a red velvet cake. Red velvet is one of the best cakes ever. My granddaddy use to make the best red velvet cake only for the holidays. He died like a decade ago, and my granny will make it only for the holidays as well. Casey and I could have done it the right way, but it takes to much time and too much stuff. We settled with the two boxes of cake mix. Casey was amazed that I could brake the egg shells with one hand. I've been baking so long that I forget that some people can't do that. She started mixing the batter, and, oddly enough, it looked like brains and then turned in a thick blood colored paste. We put it in the oven, and it took FOREVER to bake. I then made white chocolate pyramids to fashion Bowser's spikes. We had a bit of a problem trying to transfer the chocolate to these molds I got off Ebay. Finally I just settled on the cookie scoop.

I then had to make this frosting. Red velvet cakes should only be frosted with a butter roux, NOT VANILLA AND NOT CREAM CHEESE! It took forever to make, but it was worth it. I then had to dye it. IT TOOK AN ENTIRE TUBE OF GREEN FOOD COLORING. It tasted great, though.

Here's what it all looked like before my roomie Rachel and I assembled it:

This is what resulted:

Pretty good, huh. It did start melting a bit, but it tasted delicious. Matt really liked it, and I felt good about it. It looked really cool once we cut into it. I'm not sure if you can see it because my camera kinda sucks. Special thanks to Rachel and Casey for helping me make it happen. Rachel's birthday is this Saturday, so I'm thinking I need to do something awesome. Maybe Princess Peach?

And It All Falls Down

Since AWA has ended, I've found myself in a rut of sorts. I'm unhappy, unmotivated, uninspired. I'm un...everything. I'm not sure if this a sort of depression that I'm going through, but I'm not having any fun. I've just started this über scary new medication. I got a C+ on the math test that I thought I aced. I've been having more and more problems with psychosis. And to top it all of, I've disappointed my parents...again. I really wish that I could find some sort of solution.

Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. Weems to track my progress on Paxil. While I feel a little better, the scary part about my life, the psychosis is really starting to affect my school work. When I stopped by Dr. Ma's office yesterday to get my Math exam, I was shocked to see that I only got a C+. Talk about a damper to my day. I couldn't believe it. After all that time studying and crap, I get a lousy C+. That really made me mad. Then I get to Dr. Weems to find that the cheapest medication to help me is gonna cost $238 for a trial period of a month, and only if I cut the pills in half.


What really has been affecting me is my agoraphobia. It's getting harder and harder to leave in the mornings for anything. Class, work, appointments, and food don't seem all that important when I can't get the mental strength to step out of the front door. I sat in my car for 15 minutes yesterday morning trying to get brave enough to turn the car key and leave the parking lot. I really hope that this medicine makes me feel better, or at least good enough to be able to get going without fear.

That's the one thing that many people don't understand. It's all based on this irrational fear, and until you've felt that fear for yourself, you won't get it. It's frightening not being able to leave my apartment by myself. It's more frightening that I've started to close myself off to the outside world. The thing is that I want to be left alone. I like hermit myself away from society. I'm a little worried that this might start to negatively affect the rest of my life.

With a Little Help From My Friends

So I realize that I've been doing a fail job at posting. Rest assured, now I have more time to moan and complain via the interweb, so I'll definitely be posting more. Recent problems with my health (mental and physical) have sidelined a lot of things, including this blog and another blog I'm working on, but I'm back in business.






House premiered last night, and a bunch of my friends came over to watch it with us (my roommate and I). There was an attempt of sabotage from someone that I despise (I will refer to this person as Das Weibcheneselgesicht for the purpose of not getting sued), but as usual she failed to succeed. Everyone, except for Der Fliegende Holländer, joined us to watch the lovely Gregory House be himself, a lovable douchbag. I love Hugh Laurie, so if he's in, I'll watch it. I even saw that horrible new movie with Keneau Reeves because he had a supporting role in it. The show was as epically awesome as ever. The ending of the episode made me want to cry a bit, but I managed not to bust a tear.

It made me realize how decent of a person I must be, as compared to House. Actually, the isn't really all that hard, but I it really got me to thinking. I have a lot of friends that actually want to hang out with me or talk to me on a regular basis. Poor House, and some other people I know, don't have that. I don't know what I would do with my friends. After what happened last week (a mini mental breakdown), I really appreciate what all of my Athens crew are doing to help me get better. Thanks everyone.

The AWA Odyssey

Anime Weekend Atlanta begins in 49 days. In this amount of time, I have to collect $305.52. So far, I have $101.85 (from me and Raven). I need 203.67 from Nikki, Nikki's friend, Stephen, and Alex. I haven't heard from Nikki in forever, and I hope to hear from Stephen this weekend. This room is awesome. It's a 1 King Bed Jacuzzi Suite with 1 King Bed, Jacuzzi Tub, Microwave, and Refrigerator

Features and amenities include:

Free Breakfast
Free Business Center
Free High Speed Internet
Gym/Fitness Center
Meeting Space
Pool

The room specifically has:
Roll-in-Shower
High Speed Internet - Wireless and Wired
Clock/Radio
Coffeemaker
Cordless Phone
Iron and Board
Hairdryer
27 inch Television with Direct TV - HBO, ESPN, CNN, MSNBC
Lounge Chair/Ottoman
Nintendo 64 Video Games
On-Demand Movies
Work Desk
Refrigerator
Microwave


The list goes on and on. Some individuals (who I think are extremely immature) are dead set at staying at the Renaissance Waverly, the con's official hotel. The hotel that my group is staying at is exactly .4 miles to the entrance to the Waverly. Our room is twice the size of most of the rooms that our other friends are getting at the Waverly. To be exact, to get our room at the Waverly (not including the AWESOME JACUZZI!), would be 567.72. DO THE MATH PEOPLE!

I had a very interesting conversation with Raven yesterday about con-goers. A majority live in this fantasy world, and don't take into perspective the time, money, and other expenses that any convention, especially one like AWA, contain. There are some things that most don't really seriously think about until the last minute, which will lead to a serious downfall. So I've come up with part one of a list of what I think everyone who is traveling to a con needs to consider.

Number One: I need to get a ticket. Where/How am I gonna do that?
After deciding to go to a con, you need to consider how you're gonna get a ticket. No ticket=NO CON. You need a ticket to get into the con, and get into all of the stuff you want to do at the con. No ticket=no dealers room, no movies, no concert, no nothing. And why go if you can't do anything? Most sites now have a pre-registration link that you use a credit card or mail in cash, check, or a money order. If you don't/can't do that, there's always a way to do it at the con. The official website is your friend. It will tell what you need to know about everything. Which leads to the the most important aspect of any trip: MONEY.

Number Two: How am I gonna pay for everything?
DO NOT GO TO A CON WITHOUT MONEY!!!! Everyone hates that one person who is begging for money to "go home", "buy some food", or even worse "get that extra special plushie." This is annoying, and shows a lack of maturity. If you go on any vacation (and I personally consider a con a vacation), you need to be prepared. Anime conventions warrant even more attention (costumes, all of the crap YOU WILL BUY, and that oh so important pocky). You need travel money, hotel money, spending money, food money, costume money (if you're gonna wear one), and extra money. You never know what can (and will) happen. Money makes the con go round!

Number Three: Who am I going with?
PICK YOUR TRAVEL BUDDIES WISELY!!!! If you know that "Bubba" never seems to get things together, DON'T INVITE BUBBA! You need mature and responsible people to accompany you. If you won't go to the mall with them, DON'T TAKE A TRIP WITH THEM! Also consider those with monetary restrictions and REMEMBER YOUR OWN. If you can't get things together in time, don't try to go. And if you can't go TELL EVERYONE ELSE IN A TIMELY FASHION!!! I'm sure seasoned con-goers have had that one person bail out at the last minute and completely mess up everything. One way to remedy that is a contract, but it shouldn't have to go that far. STRANGER=DANGER!!!! Get to know people before you go and vacation with them!

Number Four: How am I gonna get there?
Getting to the con has always been something that requires serious contemplation. Are you gonna drive, fly, carpool with someone, ride a bus (the worst possible choice in my opinion)? All of these transportation forms need money (see NUMBER ONE), and they need planning. You have to get the plane/bus ticket (don't forget all those baggage worries), or get your car in shape to travel (PLEASE, don't go anywhere far without getting your car checked out or tuned up). If you're carpooling, you need to get with the people you're going with and have a SERIOUS discussion of how much gas money will be need. Let's be honest, GAS IS NOT CHEAP. Don't expect the driver to take ten bucks for a trip over 50 miles. Even if you're friends, be conscious of the fact that no gas = no go to con! Don't forget kids, DON'T TRAVEL WITH STRANGERS!!!

Number Five: Where am I gonna stay?
I hate it when I'm at a con and someone asks, "You got any extra room where you're staying" or "Can I stay with you?" Why go somewhere of an extended amount of time and not have a definite place to sleep at night and keep your stuff? Once you have a group that you're near positive is going, you need to figure out where you're gonna "live". The most obvious (and sometimes most expensive) choice is the con hotel. Staying with friends or at one of the overflow hotels (like what my group's doing) are two other choices. When staying anywhere, the size of your group can really affect your experience. If your staying with friends, be courteous; IT ISN'T YOUR HOUSE! You are a guest, so act like a good one. Getting kicked out will suck. A standard hotel room (2 twin beds, one bathroom) with TEN PEOPLE can suck, yet be a pretty good time. It just depends on what type of person you are. No matter where you're staying remember to stay with PEOPLE THAT AT LEAST ONE PERSON IN THE GROUP KNOWS. NO COMPLETE STRANGERS! People you trust are a good idea too. You never really know everyone. Also make sure that everyone can afford the room. Don't get $500 suite if you don't have a way to pay for it!

Part Two is coming soon!

Leaving it all behind me

I’ve recently gotten really serious about cosplaying. Spurred on by my BBF Whitney (Raven to those who haven’t know her as long), I have started planning for the conventions that I will attend for the rest of this year and next year. Considering the price tag on some of this stuff (about $500 in all for my proposed Jedi cosplay), I will be dressing up as various anime/ Star Wars/ Steampunk characters for the next couple of years. Which brings me to a very important point: Do I really want to be dressing up and going to cons when I’m 35?

I love anything anime/ fantasy/ sci-fi related (except D&D and card related stuff. Even I have my limits), but I don’t want to be that nerd that’s living in my parents’ basement. Okay, so the probability that I’ll be a basement reject at 35 is slim to none (especially since my parents don’t have a basement), but I’m worried about “growing up” and leaving all of those things behind, losing a bit of me in the process. Loving this stuff is what makes me unique. Being able to quote most of the Star Wars saga and give completely useless, but hard to find trivia at the drop of a hat is what makes me special. Standing in line at Walmart for the midnight release of some epic video game is the kind of thing that thrills me. Staying up all night to read the latest installment of my favorite fantasy novel is what I do. Having intense arguments about who shot first (IT WAS HAN!!!) or which movie in the saga was the best (Empire Strikes Back) is what makes life worth living.

My real worries begin with the prospect of having children. Genetically speaking, I’ve got the DNA to push out an average of FIVE KIDS even if I don’t want one. My father also put a CURSE on me, and while I’m not superstitious, it was kind of scary to hear about. Something tells me that I’ll end up having some kids. I don’t want to be one of those weirdo moms that my hypothetical children will have a reason to be embarrassed about, and I don’t want to be talk show fodder or end up on an episode of True Life.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not ready to fully “grow up.” I don’t want to be some stuffy old lady that knits and bakes stuff (although I kinda do that now). I don’t want to have to give up what interests me to fit in with the adult world. But I don’t want to be a weirdo creeper either.

The beginnings of an epic quest

A year ago today, I was sitting in the office of Dr. Peeples, the dorkiest/coolest pharmapsychologist certified by the state board of Georgia. While our usual discussion was going in the direction of "blah blah, worried about college, blah blah, my extended family is crazy", He asked my a question that I still can't answer affirmatively. "Are you happy with your life up to this point?" As I sat there with my confused faced (that oh so attractive grimace that makes me look like a chimp), I felt a panic attack coming. I had no idea if I was content, much less happy.

Reflecting on that life changing question, I can't say that I've ever been truly happy. I’ve gone through life laughing off or raging about the misfortunate parts of living as Timeeka Bruton. Dr. Peeples, being a Tibetan Buddhist sage trapped in the body of a 37 year old white man from South Carolina, said that happiness is a relative state of mind. Well I have never truly felt it. I wasn’t a happy baby, a happy child, or a happy teenager (but happy teenager sounds like a paradox). I’m afraid that my adult life is going to follow the same course.

My grandmother (granny for those who know her) once said that one is never truly happy and that we all live in a toss-up between contentment and discontentment. Looking her life, it seems as though she has lived in discontentment for the past 30 years. The only one of her birth children to succeed in life (stable job, married, “healthy” family, her OWN house) was my mother. The rest are perfect pictures of what you can do to completely your life and of those around you. Their failures pushed my mother and grandmother to try to do the best with my generation. And when my oldest cousin failed to make something of his life, all of that hope was transferred to me.

Being the model child of my entire family (nuclear and extended) is the reason why I am physically and mentally afflicted. The panic attacks, the cysts, and my immune system are responding to the pressure I’ve put on myself to succeed. I HAVE TO SUCCEED. I CANNOT end up like my grandmother, my mother, my father, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, and even my older brother. I have spent my entire life up to this point in a constant state of panic, and I know that I can’t live the rest of my life this way.

There was a point in January of this year that I decided that I would try to put myself into a coma. I didn’t want to die (it seemed too cliché to attempt suicide), and I didn’t want to physically harm myself (because I am a chicken). I thought if I spent maybe a week or two completely disconnected from the rest of the world, I would be able to calm down and figure out what is was that I was looking for in life. Instead, I ended up falling out of my loft after taking two really strong pain killers that my doctor prescribed for dealing with my cyst. After that really awesome month of back pain, I realized that the only way I would manage to even begin to figure things out would be to cut myself off from friends and family, which only led to more therapy.

So a year after being handed the question that will drive my life, I haven’t even cracked the surface. I am still hanging out in the darkness of my own psyche. But who knows? A year from now, I might have part one figured out.