Eye of the Tiger

Despite what I thought last night, I woke up this morning with a heavy cloud over me. I just felt bad, no matter what. I had myself a good long cry, then something great happened. This is why I am convinced that God exist; I was heading down a dark path otherwise.

This summer I did this internship that was a partnership between the City of Washington (in Georgia), The Student Conservation Association (a.k.a. the SCA), and the National Park Service (a.k.a. NPS). This was an opportunity of a lifetime (a.k.a. Jesus made a way), and I really enjoyed the entire experience despite spending the summer in libraries and graveyards. After the absolute awesomeness of this internship, going back to the daily grind really made me sad. Then, I got a call from Mr. Jenkins, my old supervisor from the internship. Not only will I be able to do this awesome workshop that's gonna be an great networking experience, but I got an guarantee that I'll have the same internship next summer.

This news completely broke me out of my funk, and I finally got to cleaning up the mess that's been my room. For real clean. I even cleaned out my closet and rearranged all of my clothes. Then, I went out for a jog Rocky style. Eye of the Tiger was on a loop on my iPod, and I felt alive.

Wagashi and Other Forms of Happiness

It's only Wednesday, but this week has already been pretty awesome. Since jumping on this new project, I've been partly obsessed with trying to make desserts that look like wagashi, traditional Japanese sweets, but don't taste like wagashi. Unfortunately enough, I feel like most Americans (i.e. my future costumers) wouldn't really like the taste of traditional Japanese desserts because they contain things like azuki bean paste and mochi (think marzipan, but with sticky rice and no sweetness). I've decided to combat that with the wonder food-clay, marzipan. How can one not like marzipan (unless you're allergic to almonds)? I want to eventually be able to emulate these:








I started small today and made little "sushi".

Aren't they cute? I think I need to stop asking my roomie for her thoughts when it comes to Japanese stuff. She's not very helpful, although I do have to admit she tries. She did comment that my marzipan was good, despite my failure to grind the almonds fine enough. Oh well. The "sushi" looked good anyway. I did have a problem with molding, which I hope to fix by early next year.

The point of all this baking is for a fundraiser for this new project, Aisuru Nippon. Since it's being run by my BFF Raven, we needed a way to fund things. What better way than a "bake sale"? We hope to have a loli inspired tea party fundraiser early 2009. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what would be best to use for the party and the mail-order baking that we plan to do.

I also made a brisket last night. It was cheap, and I love to cook, so I roasted it with some potatoes, carrots, garlic, and onions. Me, my roomie, and my friend Kessy ended up having dinner together before my roomie's Glee Club concert. Kessy, me, and other members of crew ended up going to support her. I believe Das Weibcheneselgesicht only showed up to support Der Fliegende Holländer, but I liked the concert despite her presence. Then we all journeyed to the Grill to "conversate". I believe the waitress was a little peeved that two of our party didn't get anything. I did get a IBC root beer, but she was a little "eh" to our end of the table.

It was only after the chillout did I realize how cold it's starting to get. I need to get realistic since it's the end of October, but I don't have an affinity for cold weather. What gets me its all these people walking around in 35 degree weather in the mornings like's 70 outside. I want people to put on the heavy winter coat that I have before they get sick. I feel like I look weird bundling up when they're obviously the weirdos. It's too cold to be wearing flipflops. PUT THE FLIPFLOPS UP AND PUT ON A REAL JACKET! Those stupid North Face things aren't made to hold up against a windchill below 30 degrees.

Huge House update: HOUSE TOTALLY KISSED CUDDY! I managed to watch the episode thanks to my buddy Leo from France. I'm so excited, but I've totally seen this coming for the longest time. House and Cuddy need to be together, considering the fact that noone else in their right mind would take House. And since Cuddy didn't get to have her adopted baby after all, someone needed to make her feel better, if you get what I'm saying. I can't wait for what's gonna happen next.

Anyway, things are getting better, and Lord willing, I will be getting better too.

Things Fall Apart

I woke up this morning feeling the worst I've ever felt. EVER. I didn't move for 6 HOURS, and when I finally got out of bed, I wanted to die. I've never been suicidal, but I just wanted to stop breathing. Or feeling the way I felt. I've never experienced a depression like this, to the point where I couldn't get out of bed without feeling like the world is crushing me.

I think that I might need to completely take a step back and withdraw from all of my courses. My mental state is steadily getting worse, and I feel that I might go to an extreme if I don't deal with things now. The only problem is that I couldn't possibly talk to my parents about it. If anything, they steadily make things worse. I'm not sure about what I need to do, but something's got to give.

This heavy almost crushing burden of nothing has been sitting on my chest forever. I don't feel like I have a reason to be sad or unhappy with my life, but I am. I hate feeling so bad, so useless. I need someone, anyone to just tell me it will be okay. I've become a hermit, but no one around has seemed to notice...yet. I want to be alone, but I feel some weird obligation to be sociable. I've been pretending for the past two years, but I'm getting tired of everyone and everything. I need something, someone different, and I know that I need to leave to find it. But where should I go?

Fooding

I was watching this show on the Travel Channel tonight instead of studying for my midterms. This word, fooding, came up when the host asked this French chef why he loved food so much and what it meant to him. The chef responded that it was the memories from cooking, not the fancy ingredients or the name of the restaurant, that meant something to him. He went on to say it was the feeling of bringing joy to others through the simple act of creating and sharing a necessity that made him want to become a chef.

Something in that little clip spoke to my soul. I love to bake and cook. If I could do anything for the rest of my life, I would run a bakery or a bistro. That feeling of satisfaction when you've created something that is pleasing to all the senses is wonderful. Recently I've gone on a birthday cake spree, making a Bowser cake and a Princess Peach cake. This week's task is a joint project Batman cake. You'd think these things were for 5 and 6 year old kids, but my very "adult" friends have been requesting them.

It's an outlet for me. If depression is creeping up on me or I feel really upset, I bake three dozen madeleines, or I steam some Xiaolóngbāo. I've realized that I do this purely as a stress-reliever, and I rarely actually eat most of what I make. At first it was my family, but now my poor roommate and friends are test subjects for everything that I make. I feel particularly bad for subjecting them to some pretty horrendous stuff, like the infamous lemon pound cake that had way too much lemon. They're really brave considering some of the monsters I've birthed from the oven.

I put a lot of time and effort into everything that I make, and I try my best to do it from scratch. There's something special about spending hours in the kitchen making something that didn't come straight from the store or even a box. But I feel like I'm trying to create some sort of fantasy of my own. My mother and grandmother rarely cook traditional homemade meals like the Sunday dinner of years past. I guess I want something like that because I'm getting older. More and more time passes between family get-togethers, and we're all getting older as the days pass.

I'm worried that there will come a time when I don't enjoy cooking or baking. What really frightens me is that I think that day is coming sooner than I thought.

The Allure of a Swiss Bank Account

Everyone's heard of a Swiss bank account. The high tech security, the secrecy, the safety. Well, the image given to these fail safe accounts isn't exactly the truth. You can't take your drug money, or stolen artwork and hide it in these accounts. That's illegal. You can hold any funds that you can prove are legally yours. I've gotten so interested in having one of these accounts because of the current state of the economy. My bank, Wachovia, was sold to Wells Fargo today for around $15 billion. I'm not sure what will mean for my future, but it makes me a bit worried. I've decided that I will open up two accounts, one for me, and one for my niece, Ahni'ya (pronounce Ah-ny-ah)

The account I'll start for my niece is the most important in my mind. My siblings and I decided that we wanted to do all that we could to make sure that she gets all the opportunities to leave Bowling Green, KY and do something with her life. I've seen what that void does to people with dreams and ambitions; they all leave or get destroyed. I really want something better for her than her parents can give her. I feel like I need to be the one to give her a safety net in life because I've know how hard it's been for me.

I need to stop trying to save everyone else and focus on me.